


phil should not have an amazon account at all tbh

by itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualday)



Series: dip and pip domestic fluff [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Rated for swearing, Sort Of, Swearing, but dan still loves him, it's dan whaddya expect, like an excessive amount of swearing, no one is actually drunk in this fic, phil lester is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-29 11:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17807594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmyusualday/pseuds/itsmyusualphannie
Summary: honestly dan should know better than letting phil go off by himself while drunk





	phil should not have an amazon account at all tbh

As soon as Phil walked into the bedroom with that _look_ on his face, Dan knew he’d done something. He was holding his phone up and squinting at it, darting little glances at Dan every few seconds. He was clearly trying not to reveal anything, but he was trying too hard.

Dan sighed. “What’d you do?”

Phil blinked widely and sidled toward the bed Dan was sprawled across. “Did? I didn’t do anything? What makes you think I did something?”

“First of all,” said Dan. “Don’t even try me. There is no ‘second of all.’ Explain yourself.”

Phil grinned sheepishly, sitting cautiously beside Dan. “Er...remember last night. When we drank that bottle of wine my mum left here?”

“It was last night, how could I forget?”

“Er,” Phil said again. “Also remember when I went into the bathroom for ten minutes and sent you a video of the toilet flushing for about thirty seconds and then you had to go get me?”

Dan narrowed his eyes. He felt like he knew where this was going. “Yes…”

“I may have…” Phil slid a little closer to Dan. “I may have been on my phone before you came to get me. And ordered something on Amazon.”

Dan sighed so heavily he could’ve blown over the crispy plant in the corner. “Why? Don’t answer that. What is it?”

“Well,” said Phil. “Actually, I didn’t remember that I had ordered it until I got the shipping confirmation a few minutes ago. So I can’t cancel it because it’s on the way now. And I can’t send it back because it’s perishable.”

A haunted look crept across Dan’s face. “Please tell me you didn’t order more of that exotic lube.”

“Ew, no,” Phil hastily assured, shuddering. “Even my drunk self knows better.”

Dan noticed that Phil had slowly been edging toward him, so Dan shuffled away. There was no chance of hugs until he knew exactly what was coming toward them in the mail. “Then what the hell did you order?”

“Let me just add, you can’t be mad at me for getting _more_ when you’re always complaining that I’m eating all of yours.”

“ _What_ did you _order_?”

“I ordered...cereal.”

“Cereal?” Dan huffed a laugh. “Jesus, Phil, you had me thinking it was something horrible. You’re so dramatic.”

Phil fidgeted. “Well, it was Lucky Charms cereal.”

“...So?”

“So...maybe, like, a particular part of that cereal.”

“Phil, tell me you didn’t order just the marshmallows.”

“Well…”

“Phil. Why.”

“I like the marshmallows! Everyone likes the marshmallows. They’re the best part of the cereal.”

“ _Fine._  How much did you get?”

A very long pause. “...One bag.”

“HOW MUCH.”

Phil looked very much like he wanted to flee the room, but he powered through. “It was...forty pounds.”

A much longer pause.

Dan stood slowly, his face carefully devoid of emotion. “I cannot,” he announced. “I cannot deal with this right now.”

Phil watched mournfully as Dan walked resolutely out of the room and shut the door loudly behind him. He glanced down at his phone. The Amazon confirmation email was still there, brightly mocking him with its cheerful ‘Congratulations, your order has shipped!’

“I hate you,” he told it.

Another door slammed somewhere. Loud footsteps approached the room.

“HOW,” Dan screeched. “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU ORDER FORTY FUCKING POUNDS OF CEREAL MARSHMALLOWS.” The door flew open suddenly and Dan stood there, his hair a wild mess as if he’d been yanking at it.

Phil winced. “I thought you couldn’t deal with this right now?”

“Phil!” Dan’s voice was shrill and painful. “How are we supposed to eat forty  _fucking_ pounds of cereal marshmallows? Where did you even get them? _What fucking maniac thought it’d be a good idea to sell forty pounds of cereal marshmallows_?”

Phil noted, with concern, the red flush creeping angrily up Dan’s neck. “Dan,” he said. “You should sit down. And take deep breaths.”

“I don’t want to take a deep breath!” Dan whirled and left the room, only to come back seconds later, one arm flailing and narrowly avoiding the door frame. “How the fuck?? Are we supposed to eat them??”

“Hot chocolate?” Phil offered. “Put extra in the cereal?”

“HOT CHOCOLATE,” said Dan. “HOW MUCH HOT CHOCOLATE WOULD WE HAVE TO DRINK TO GET RID OF THEM. HOW MANY GODDAMN BOWLS OF CEREAL.”

“Calm down,” Phil pleaded. “The neighbors are probably concerned.”

“YOU CALM DOWN,” Dan bellowed, and he left again.

Phil waited a few minutes before he determined that Dan wasn’t coming back, so he crept cautiously out of the bedroom. He found Dan lying face-first on the couch, fingers digging into the cushions.

Phil sat beside him and patted his back carefully. “Are you okay?”

“No,” said Dan, muffled.

Phil patted his back a few more times. “I should probably turn my phone off before drinking.”

Dan scoffed. “You think?”

_Pat, pat_. “We don’t have to eat them all right away,” Phil said. “I’m sure they’ll keep. They have loads of chemicals in them.”

Dan sighed. “I’m sure you’ll eat them all soon anyway. It’s an unlimited supply of sweets, you can’t help yourself.”

Phil considered that. It was true, if not rather unhealthy.

“You’re still an idiot,” Dan said.

“Hey,” Phil protested.

Dan grumbled loudly and rolled to bury his face in Phil’s stomach instead of the couch. Phil resumed patting him, this time on his curls.

“...Now I have a craving for cereal,” Phil said.

Dan slapped every available body part he could reach.

“Ow,” Phil complained. "Ouch. Dan."

The doorbell rang.

“Oh,” said Phil. “Haha. I forgot to mention that I got same-day shipping.”

“We’re breaking up,” said Dan.

**Author's Note:**

> fun note: amazon actually does sell 40lb bags of cereal marshmallows. :)
> 
> (p.s. ignore the totally realistic amazon delivery time)
> 
> find me on tumblr at [itsmyusualphannie.tumblr.com](https://itsmyusualphannie.tumblr.com)!


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